Unsaid, unsent #3

You often asked me how to deal with trust, and I never had an answer. 

The thing is, I couldn’t answer because I didn’t have an answer. 

Now that we done. I do. 

Distrust is a blurry mess when you inherently suffer from anxiety. If you suffer from this curse, as I can now own, you naturally distrust everything and everyone around you. The notion of being present and not second guessing everything, every word, action, person, is very hard to quell. 

It makes life in general extremely hard and in its physical manifestation you become a perfectionist, withdrawn or sometimes completely unavailable. Nothing is safe at any point, as the anxiety causes one to doubt all the time. 

It’s hard to just exist and be present in the present. The slightest deviation from an accepted ‘norm’ is terrifying and the brain kicks in to plan and solve for every possible scenario, a solution to any problem, even if it may not be a problem. It makes one, I guess, at anxiety’s best,  ‘resilient and strong’, because you’ve planned for all the outcomes. 

So trust is not an isolated condition because it’s always at play in the soggy quagmire of anxiety. 

The surrender into present is reticent and distrusting, the experience of the past is present and gnawing, and the future is frightening because of the present and the past. There is no secure foothold on anything at any point. 

The only thing that offers some respite is consistency and communication, or a vague place of safety one has created in one’s mind. But conversations can be a risk, there is potential for further anxiety and the vague place of safety in ones mind still has thousands of thoughts pounding in your mind all the time. 

You most of the time feel lost, uncomfortable and unsettled. A stranger in the world. An uncomfortable visitor. Therefore it is easier to withdraw, not be present and live with the churning feeling that sits inside. Stoic really, but not in its true form. To be honestly stoic you need to be okay in the now and be okay with yourself. Being alone is not nice, but in a sense it mitigates any potential risk, as it reduces having to deal with additional stimuli from someone else, as silence, withdrawal and a change in behaviour from a partner is the anxious one’s ultimate nightmare. It’s just pure hell. Being alone, the anxiety is reduced to one’s own input of a restless mind

So, yeah, I finally have the answer for you and you will never know. The struggle now, in a period of extreme anxiety due to our demise and major life uncertainties facing us, is to be present in the present.

If this pain and trauma of us ending serves no greater purpose than being better at understanding ourselves, then what was the point of our journey. I will never get to say this to you, or send it to you, as we agreed to no contact. I wish it were not so. Whilst it was not labelled from your side as anxiety, I know you suffer it too. I hope you figure this out for yourself and manage to get a grip on it, as I am trying to do for myself.

Maybe it’s easier for us both not having each other around. Maybe that makes getting a hold of things easier. It certainly is a fact that we are now alone. Which is worse? For you, I will never know. For me, right now, I don’t know the answer to that either.